I think I know the suspect.

Oops, accidentally deleted my DNA instead and now I’m melting.

Well duh, it’s right there in the name: Infantry.

I don’t plan on adding that to my camping kit any time soon but it’s a recipe passed down through the ages. Got it straight from a well-known cookbook that I studied religiously through my teenage years.

That’s why you add a thickener. Mix some styrofoam into the gasoline and it’ll stick better.

It’s too soon to say conclusively that they all aren’t though, additional testing is required.

And they keep their wives’ vaginas just as dry as he does.

You might be able to find a shop vac with a large enough hose and intake port, typical household vacuums will struggle to fit anything larger than a medium-sized kitten. I urge you to reconsider though; whatever the cat did wrong, there’s no way it deserves this. Show some mercy.

I keep my skeleton inside a meat robot.

Waffles that let themselves go.

Let’s hope this isn’t a working version of that thing where you throw bird entrails at the ground to tell the future or something.

Fecal contamination is a fact of life or, put succinctly, shit happens.

New manufacturing hack unlocked: Install 240v outlets at workstations and fire half of the workforce. Golden parachute and douchey, hand-wavey TED Talk, please!

The dog did say he can’t tell time.

C diff.

Smash them up and dump the crumbs into a glass. Now it’s a drink and no longer subject to the tyrannical nutritional guidelines of the medical establishment, leaving you free to consume it as you please.

OP was asking for things that would be different.

I’d believe that it’s a 13-year-old spewing dumb 13-year-old ideas of how humor works. Their thoughts don’t count yet.

That’s why you don’t store your stool samples in the same fridge as your chocolate pudding. Malware goes into the vault.

He’s hip.