To keep it short: my ex-wife cheated on me with this guy, we divorced, she married him immediately after. Since January we’ve been co-parenting, she has our son (14 years old) for 2 weeks & I have him for 2 weeks. Her now husband is wealthy, and for the winter holidays they plan on going to the Maldives for 3 weeks (I agreed to give up 1 week of my 2 weeks; gonna get +1 week with son after the vacation). Apparently son has been asking his mom and stepdad if I can come as well. So ex-wife calls me and asks me if I’d like to go, all expenses paid by them, just to be with our son and have some fun - and let’s “put all the bad blood behind”. I told her I’ll think about it, but honestly I don’t think I’d feel comfortable. At the same time going would make son extremely happy obviously. Idk.
There is no way you should do this. Not only are you clearly having reservations to begin with, but you need to keep your dignity intact, too. The whole affair is just going to be rubbed in your face. You deserve better than that.
While your ex may be coming from a ‘good place’ she shouldn’t have asked, out of respect.
Your kid has feelings about the divorce but he’s going to have to adapt to this new reality that your ex chose for him. It is her fault he’s going to be disappointed, not yours.
This comment really just hits every nail on the head for me. It could be that the ex is feeling bad for what happened, but wants to divert the blame/bad feelings onto OP.
It’s also rich to me when the cheating partner is ready to “put all the bad blood behind them” as if they don’t want to live in the stink of what they did any more. They’re happy now, why can’t you also be happy with them? Etc etc. As if they didn’t blow up everyone’s life with their choices.
One downside here is the kid is going to be told, at least as far as he can understand it, that daddy didn’t want to go. And the kid, not understanding the nuance of the situation, won’t understand that it’s because mommy fucked up their relationship.
If it were me, I’d go and do my best to enjoy the trip. Babysitting duty doesn’t sound so bad when it’s your own kid and you get to share travel experiences with them.
I lived through this one, as a kid. It sucks all around. I’m now older than my parents when they split, and have an assload of insight into the matter. I carefully watched the whole thing unfold over 25 years, before I was out of the ordeal, living on my own, and away from watching the two people I cared about most be nothing but complete shitbags to one another.
Oh how wonderful, maybe at one point they can sit around the campfire, eat smores, and sing kumbaya
I feel differently. I don’t know the ex or their partner of course but I see it as an olive branch. They share blood through their child together. They’re going to have to be around each other regardless of how things ended. The only person who loses with this grudge being held is the kid between them.
I yield that I have never been in the position of loving someone and being betrayed like that. I know it evokes strong feelings and I’m not minimizing that, but it doesn’t really matter at this point whose fault it is or who chose what. None of these bad feelings will ever change what happened or who that person is. The only thing you can change is your own behavior in the future and to manage your own feelings and expectations with that person so it doesn’t happen again. Fool me once, fool me twice and all that.
So I’m not saying you have to forgive and forget. I wouldn’t ever put the ex in a position of personal closeness or trust ever again. If that’s what this is to OP then 100% stay home. However, if I am correct in seeing this as a chance to acknowledge what happened, move on, and lower tensions between them for the kid’s sake, then I think it can be positive. It’s also a valuable lesson for the kid to show them the ideal way for an adult to behave after interpersonal conflict, how they as an adult should ideally work through tough feelings.
It depends on the person though. If you can’t move past those feelings, if you can’t model the ideal, which would be completely understandable, then the best thing is probably not to go. Work together with the kid to help them understand the situation. Might be time for a heart to heart with them and to let them in on the feelings you’ve been dealing with so they can fully understand what’s keeping you from going.