I will be turning 30th in the next two months. Not really upset or scared about aging, but Im starting to feel down on myself when my wife, mom and dad ask about what I want for a party.
My wife turned 30 a few months ago and we rented a community center room for a few hours, fed everyone there dinner, hung out and then went out for drinks. That was pretty fine, but I’m dreading my own party.
I’ve lost contact with most of my friends over the last few years, but I try to not let it bother me. I’ll check in with 2 buddies once or twice a year to make sure they are ok and that’s pretty much it.
I am starting to feel like a loser for not having any friends though. I understand people don’t have as much time for friends as they get older, but after my 21st sucked, I tried to set a goal of making my 30th better with people I want to be around. Flash forward 9 years and I have no one to invite besides my immediate family and in laws
I’m trying not to say “truthfully I don’t care” as I wouldn’t make this post if it was true, but I’m leaning that way. Both of my parents just did their 50th and was a huge party both times. My wife had a bunch of people at hers. I am feeling like a loser having no one to ask, and like I’m going to poach my wife’s friend group if I want to fill the roster.
It’s such a weird feeling. I already feel exhausted keeping up with the small group of people I do talk too, but also feel like I failed because of some arbitrary rules/goal I set for myself 9 years ago. I am more than happy with my current life and this really never bothers me besides “landmark” life events. Last time I felt like this was planning my bachelor party when I realized I had no one to do anything with, but just took a weekend trip by myself to walk around a state park for a day or two.
Sorry for the rambling, I just feel off/weird about this whole thing. I don’t really ever feel the need for more friends, but when I have to do milestone events, I realize I’m really lacking in that area. Anyone else in the same boat or was like this before?
I used to be like you, thinking there was nothing special about a birthday and not wanting a party. But, if you flip it around, the party isn’t really about you ironically. It’s about those you care about actually wanting to celebrate you, and that’s a pretty special thing in my book. Who cares how many, there are people who love you who want to make you feel special, and it makes them feel good throwing something, so just have a good time.
Now, if you don’t want a big thing, then just be honest with them. Something as simple as “I really do appreciate the thought, but honestly I would have just as much fun going to <<your favorite restaurant>> and sharing a glass of wine with you all.” Let them know how they can make it special for you, and then just have a good evening. Find something you enjoy like that that they’ll feel good treating you, and enjoy the people who love you :)
That’s how I am looking at it tbh. I just want the people I care about to all be in the same room, have a nice meal and not make a big deal. We just had a slumber party at my wife’s parents house with her siblings this weekend and those are always so fun. I don’t understand why there is the pressure to do it big when everyone knows I’m a person who likes smaller, intimate get togethers.
I feel like most of it is everyone knows I’m trying to get better from my codependency and saying it’s my day to do whatever I want, but what I want is simple.
Yeah I’ve learned that it’s usually someone just trying to do their best, so if you know who is pushing for the large thing, when you are describing what you want give them something they can focus on. Like for your slumber party adding in “<<Person>> if you can make that <<dish you really like>>, that would make it really special”, then they have an outlet to pour their effort, and you get something tasty!
Just know that for some reason turning 30 is dreadful, but being thirty is the absolute bomb. Your best age is to come now.
I kinda felt like you, with everyone going on about how you have to celebrate the big three. So I treated myself to a yoga retreat in a mountain cabin. Spent the day relaxing and looking inward.
Can confirm. Am 34 and, despite numerous setbacks, my 30’s have still been my favorite decade so far.
For my birthday I want my friends to throw me a surprise party where I get euthanized
It’s not just you. That pretty much is your thirties. Most of the people I know in their 20’s (at least their early 20’s) are still making a point to hang out. Most of the guys over 60 are playing golf or getting a beer.
And then there’s my group: the ones who are working at their job all day, working at the endless list of projects around the house in the evenings, and spending the few spare moments they have in between with their family.
Sometimes I think maybe it would be nice to have more actual friends. But it doesn’t really bother me that I don’t. I’m pretty busy being a husband and a dad and everything in between and I’m happy with where I’m at right now. I know the way things are now is not permanent and nothing is set in stone.
On another note, the 30’s are good times. My favorite decade so far. Not always fun, but still good.
Just become someone that doesn’t really make a big todo about their birthday. It’s so liberating.
I turned 40 not long ago and I couldn’t tell you what I did. Probably bought myself a box of doughnuts.
It’s also okay to be weird about your birthday. Lots of people are. Just do whatever feels right.
Well, take advantage of the group being small and go do something you enjoy and take them all, it can be an outdoor activity, an amusement park, museum, something you like and im sure the people will also like the experience. Take a small cake just to blow the candles and have a good time with all the people you care about. Don’t compare yourself to others, do it in a way you enjoy and share it with who matters.
I have not had a birthday party in 31 years. I really would like one again.
Last one I had was when I turned 21. Which was great, but yea I’ve been lucky to get a dinner out since then.
I managed to entirely avoid my birthday last year for the first time ever and I felt mixed. I’m sad when I have a birthday and sad when I don’t. Do you want to be sad alone or sad with people? On my own the sadness was brief since I could just do something I liked, but with family (the usual) it feels worse since it’s like 4 hours of thing I don’t want to do. I guess that’s how I’d think about it now.
I have not liked birthdays in adulthood and im not even sure if I ever like them all that much. I think I have to go back to when they were about possible toys.
Remove the birthday aspect and think about what sounds enjoyable. Maybe you start with a night out with your SO. Ok, does adding more people sound better, about the same, worse?
I think you are mixing a party for other people and a party for yourself. Both are fine, but they may not be compatible with each other.
I am fine with a dinner with my family and in-laws, thata always fun. I’m just feeling pressured by everyone invited asking me “Are you sure this is what you want? We can do something bigger since it’s your 30th.”.
Yes this is what I want. That’s why I asked
Good opportunity to communicate. “I understand that you just want to support me, but the continued asking is stressing me out.”
Happy birthday friend! I recently turned 30 myself. Like you, I’ve lost contact with most of the people I called my friends when growing up. To make matters worse, I’ve moved out of my hometown so I’m also geographically cut off.
I still have some days where I wish it wasn’t so, but overall I’m okay with my current social circle.
A friend of mine did something similar to your wife, except with four other people - a combined 150th celebration. Rented out a community center and invited a whole bunch of people. I was thinking shit, do I need this for my 30th too?
I’m mostly pretty reserved and kinda socially awkward, and I don’t have a big group of friends. A few people I studied with, and that’s it. So when the time came, I didn’t really know who to invite, but I also had the same expectations of having a huge party.
I ended up having a BBQ with the aforementioned group I studied with. Another one in that group also turned 30 recently, so we did a combined 60th, which was fun. I think we had around 15 people at the peak, so it was a decent party in the end. Some of my invitees, some of my friend’s. I was not looking forward to it, and I was really stressed about it in the week before. I was almost on the verge of canceling, cause I didn’t know who’d be coming or if it was just gonna be an awkward disaster. At first it was awkward for sure, but eventually when more people showed up it was pretty fun! Me and my SO actually ended up enjoying being hosts, and I think the guests thought it was fun too.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that it doesn’t really matter what people might expect, and while it might not be something you look forward to right now, I think you’ll enjoy it the day of, no matter the size of the celebration. Like someone else mentioned it’s a gathering of people you care about, that care about you and are there for you. And that’s a good time no matter what.
My friends brought me adult diapers and canes and walkers, but then I ended up having a threesome with 2 of the girls who showed up at the party. Don’t knock 30, man.
Nope.
It’s just another day. I take myself out to do things all the time, and that’s party enough.
My 40th is in 2 days and my wife has been bugging me for gift ideas and activity ideas. All I wanted (and what’s happening) is a dinner at a restaurant with my wife. She surprised me with a small surprise birthday dinner there early on in our dating and it’s my favorite thing to do for my birthday.
No apologies needed, it’s been playing in my head once a week for the last few months
