I work with a needy man, the kind of person who needs constant attention and feels threatened by silence. If I choose to read something on my phone instead of giving him attention he asks if everything’s all right. If I choose to meditate, adopting a yoga like position and closing my eyes before working he asks the same. It’s like he needs people talking to him constantly.
I am the opposite, I believe: I don’t talk about my life at work, I go there because I need a paycheck, but I’m open to learn from more knowledgeable colleagues, something he clearly is not.
What I’ve done so far: avoiding him, not looking him in the eye when he wants to talk to me, telling him that I’m working when he wants to talk to me, giving dull answers, feigning ignorance about several topics, ignoring him when I’m talking to another person and he asks what we’re talking about.
He still comes and sits next to me and tells me about his family, something I don’t care about.
I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.
Why am I like this?
These sound like bread and butter small talk type work interactions.
Just gonna be blunt… meditating at work and adopting a yoga like position is going to attract attention and will invite co-workers to enquire after your well being.
If this guy is your biggest problem at work then you have a pretty great job.
That depends on the type of work OP does and when exactly are they adopting the yoga stance. People can do whatever they want during breaks.
But ultimately I agree with your last sentence.
Of course people can do what they want during their breaks.
What I’m getting at is, mediation or yoga in the break room is an unusual behavior and well meaning co-workers “just trying to be nice” will enquire after your well being.
If you don’t want to interact with co-workers on your break, put your head phones on while you play with your phone.
Why do people seem to have such a hard time with being direct? Just tell him to leave you alone, if you hurt his feelings it’s not your problem.
He’ll probably be mad, he might try to kill her. The odds of violence after social disagreements are slightly worse for women so most try to avoid being the 1 in 1 million today.
I think there are diplomatic ways for you to express your preference. You could say: “I don’t mean to be rude, but I prefer to really stay focused at work and socializing can drain my battery or distract me for a while afterward. Is it all right with you if I keep to myself for the most part?”
He’s obviously taking your behavior as a sign that he’s done something wrong, and not just your preference for how you like to be at work. He’s probably trying to fix it or improve relations with you, and this is making it worse. The standoffish behavior you’re showing him is feeding his sense that there’s a problem he needs to address with you, so take a different tack.
People like him are dangerous.
For the love of God, do not directly say it to this person, speak to HR or your supervisor and tell them you are feeling harassed at work and can’t do your job.
If you say anything to the man all he’s going to conclude is that you are against him, and his paranoia will kick in, and he will make problems for you that you can’t anticipate.
If you’re a guy, I have found treating these interactions as mindfulness exercises is helpful. If you’re a woman, he’s in love with you, I’m sorry.
Dude, even if OP is a guy, he might still be in love with him.
Yes, and all the variations thereof. But you get the idea.
Bring or get some large ear covering headphones. Wear them all the time regardless of if you are listening to anything. Ignore attempts to distract. Practice and say, “sorry, focused right now” and go back to work.
If I may rephrase what I’m reading: You don’t want to tell him to leave you alone because you would be upset if someone told you that.
Here’s the thing: you don’t know that will upset him. TL;DR of the rest of my post: he probably won’t take it the way you would, and I highly recommend being straightforward with him.
I suggest reading about the difference in Ask Culture vs Guess Culture. Those of us who grew up in a guess culture manage our own actions based on what we think will be acceptable to those around us and won’t even initiate something if it would be deemed inappropriate, so it’s rare we have to be told “no”. Those in ask culture will just ask and be totally fine if told no, because they haven’t already done the pre-work to figure out if their request will be approved.
One of the best lessons I’ve had in the past few years is that other people don’t respond like me. I mean, that should be obvious. But it came up in the context of being a manager at work with an underperformer. I would be devastated if my boss told me I was not doing well at my job, and so I was terrified of telling my direct report that. I communicated the gaps in her specific actions for months, but we finally got to a point where I needed to have the conversation that I didn’t think the role was the right fit for her. It was one of the hardest days in my career. And she thanked me for it!
I was so scared because I was imagining how I’d feel hearing what I was going to say. But she’s not me! And instead of being upset, she felt relief to hear someone else say it.
You’re afraid of being rude, and that shows you have compassion and care for others. But I bet you that this coworker of yours just needs to be told, and not communicating with him is actually less kind.
A quote from a favorite book series of mine is a take on our “golden rule” through an alien culture: “The Iron Rule: Treat others less powerful than you however you like. The Silver Rule: Treat others as you’d like to be treated. The Golden Rule: Treat others as they’d like to be treated.”
No one seems to be mentioning what I suspect might be the problem here
He’s a man and you’re a woman, is this the case ? and he will NOT leave you alone. I don’t blame you for not mentioning that part, given all the bullshit that straight guys do.
If that’s the case: this is an issue for HR and when they don’t believe you, it’s an issue for a lawyer (because then they might believe you)
Short phrases like “I can’t talk, I’m working” and “I don’t really want to talk thanks.”
Then ignore them until they leave.
Everyone’s different, you sound like you may loathe this person, but regardless work is not recreation. If needless social interactions are impacting your ability to work, consider talking to your supervisor. Speaking directly to your coworker may offend, exacerbating the issue for you. Give your supervisor an opportunity to resolve it, who should have more experience and/or training in dealing with conflict.
I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.
So instead you’ll like youre ruder than you are, hoping he will eventually get it.
You don’t think weeks of having to do this is making you feel worse than perhaps one night of feeling a bit sorry after telling him straight on?
And I know he will appreciate it eventually if the direct reaction isn’t such. You will finally make sense to him. If you’re being rude, ignoring him, why don’t you understand that might make him want to bring you to a normal level of social contact. That he feels he’s done something wrong by just being a chatty person.
Maybe just tell him you’re sorry but you’re not as chatty as him and would like to focus.
And yes, I have also done that to a worker. Told her I’m there to work, not to make friends. Kinda cold? I don’t think so. Colleagues, not friends. Co-employees can be friends but don’t need to.
Nobody here noticed the tinny little fact that you seem to be a woman. One that works out and attracts attention (i.e. your story about a dude eyeing you in the park). The coworker might simply find you attractive.
Or he’s under the belief all women live to serve men cute little fascinations in their mundane lives. That they exist to smile, sound angelic, giggle, and put a hand on their arms in normal conversation. Based on an attraction thing, but not necessarily targeted at OP.
“Not now, I am busy”
"Great! I need to work now, see you around!’
You don’t need to be boring - I am telling you, working woman to working woman, that is an ineffective strategy with determined guys. You need to convince him you do not have time for him in your full and interesting life.
“Please, leave me alone.”
Nicely, no more than 2 episodes.
If additional episodes occur:
“Please, leave me alone or I’ll complain to HR.”
