Feeling pretty shitty today.

I can’t save money because of my home and car loans. Hell, I wouldn’t be able to eat if it weren’t for my parents helping me out with cooking cheap meals and borrowing money, which I always feel like shit for doing. My job tires me out enough that I can’t work up the energy to fight past my ADHD paralysis to job hunt for one that pays more. I can’t get a raise because of said ADHD paralysis fucking with my productivity. I also can’t work up the energy to clean up and repair enough that I could rent my place out and move back in with my parents. And selling the house is off the table—my parents are the only ones that are close enough to my work for me to be able to make it without a three hour drive, and they’ve got a full house atm.

I was rejected for a refinance that would’ve bought me $400 a month worth of breathing room. And the energy credit is running out soon, so I’m about to start being $200-300 in the hole.

I can’t work up the energy to go out and meet someone who could be my significant other, even if that were something I had any skill or confidence in doing.

Hell, I look at my mates and they’ve got their shit on better lock than I do in some ways. Brian and Marcus have rented their house out and moved back in with their parents, ended up making about $400 a month in profit. Nate doesn’t even have a job, but he has a wife (which is really confusing, considering how he looks), and their combined Centrelink payments let them save up for big purchases they may need to make. Even Carol has a partner and a job at a casino making double what I do. (Names changed for privacy)

BUT!

I have gone through too much, survived too much to let all the effort of doing so go to waste. Even if it ends up being useless in the end, I’m going to take every opportunity I can force myself to take in order to get myself into a better place. No way in hell I’m letting the world push me into a corner without giving it a black eye on the way.

I’ve never been this stressed in my entire life. It hits me each morning precisely the second I wake up.

Got laid off from work recently. I don’t feel like finding a new job because I have 10 years of experience and I know I don’t like working for someone else. It feels meaningless. I don’t want to spend my life like that. What’s the alternatine? Well besides the extremely unlikely event of winning the lottery I feel like the only other option is to start my own handyman bussiness that I’ve been “dreaming of” for who knows how many years. I don’t however mean that I have some deep passion for entrepreneurship because I don’t. Not at all. I just feel like it’s the only other option I have and there’s atleast a slight chance that I might like it. Hell, it could even end up being one of the best decisions in my life. Maybe. I don’t know, and I’ll never find out if I don’t try it.

But doubt. Oh so much doubt. This is by-far the biggest and scariest decision I’ve had to make ever. I know I can just end it if it’s not working out and find a job and that’s that but it just feels so permanent. It feels like I’m putting my entire future on the line. It almost feels like risking my life. It’s stupid and I know it. I just can’t help it. No amount of reasoning is enough to fight off my emotions on this. I’m absolutely and completely terrified.

Pretty sad

Air soft, its been 4 days since a 5 hour session and my legs are killing me. Me and my old friends got together. Challenge was great though

I just spent 15 minutes waiting for a shamrock shake. Now I’m questioning all my life decisions.

Chilling rn. Just got back from the arcade and had a few drinks so I’m riding this buzz safely at home. I also won a few things from a claw machine so that’s exciting. I’m still a little bummed I’m single for the first time in a decade on Valentine’s Day but life could be worse.

Bought myself flowers and beignets, supported a friend who was feeling mopey. I’m depressed but it helps to do things for myself and others

Victories: got conditionally accepted for my 2nd choice for uni (still haven’t told any close friends until I hear back from all schools and make a decision)

Challenges: I’m taking linear algebra and diff eq. It’s the first week and I forgot how to take derivatives and integrals. I’ve been staring at the problem for hours and still don’t get how to take the derivative for e^(y/x).

My challenges are too belligerent and numerous to name here, but they’re overshadowed by the victory of getting a really fantastic car, one I’ve been wanting since I was a teenager.

Nice to see a prevalent positive comment section among the usual gloom and doom in lemmy.

No big victories or challenges for myself, all going boring but fine overall. Which is kinda a victory, I guess?

Good you?

Victories: My girlfriend and I are doing a lot better than we were a few months ago. I have only missed 2 assignments this semester and I finally found a method of organization that works for me. I go to class at least half the time which is a lot more than before. Doing good so far :)

Challenges: My insomnia has been a nightmare recently, I’ve slept 1 out of the past 4 nights and only because I bummed some weed of off a close friend. I haven’t eaten in 16+ hrs and my stomach hurts, I’m getting nauseous and bloated and I couldn’t make it to my 9am class because I was afraid of puking on the way there.

I know it’s small, but I made up with my wife and told her I don’t like being treated the was she acted. I asked her to talk more with me about what she needs rather than bottle it up. We have some healing, but I feel like it’s an upward swing.

Left a toxic study group and I feel so much lighter and hsppy because of it. Have more time to myself and things that hold interest just for me and my enjoyment. ETA a Word.