I grew up in a cult. I learned real quick that the only answer is “I’m fine thanks”. any negativity implied I was out of gods favor and that I was being punished for sinning. So seeking help only ever lead to inquisitorial shit.

As this thread demonstrates, there are plenty of ways to say “I’m doing terrible, actually” without breaking the social contract. If I’m having an awful day, my go-to is “hangin’ in there, how are you?”

The last part is important. Some people don’t want to talk about how you’re doing (maybe they don’t have the emotional bandwidth at the moment, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they just don’t care) so give them an out, a clear signal of something else they can discuss without seeming rude. The easiest way is to return the question, but you can also just jump into the imminent topic of conversation, like:

“How are you?”

“Keeping on keeping on. Hey, just wanted to reach out about that thing on page 4, do you have a minute?”

Or if they started the conversation and you don’t know what it’s about, there’s always “Takin’ it one day at a time, eh? What can I do for you?”

The biggest “risk” of this approach is that someone may offer sympathy or ask you what happened, which is a whole new set of protocols. But for me it’s worth it to not have to lie.

This is what I LOVE about German culture.

“How are you/Wie geht es dir” is a serious question. So you just ask that if you are genuinely ready for 2-3 minutes of information about the person’s situation.

I went to an English boarding school for half a year and once a teacher walked by and asked me “how are you”. Now I know she was just polite. But she looked so bewildered once I gave her an update on beeing so far from home for the first time and that the rooms are very very small etc. She was absolutely not ready for these 2-3 minutes, and I even think she was in a hurry.

Of course “I am suffering from serious depression and my life is in shambles” is also not a normal answer in Germany, but “puh, it’s been rough the past few weeks, but I guess better time will come” totally is. Then it’s the other person’s choice to dig deeper or just accept that answer.

Here in Brazil (at least in my state) we usually say “Tudo bem?” which translates to “Is everything fine?” (in a casual way, not an emotional way) so it’s more of a yes-or-no question. If I’m doing well or neutral, I’ll just say “Tudo certo.” (All is well.), if I’m not, then I just say “Mais ou menos.” (More or less.) or “Não, e você?” (No, what about you?).

Honestly just saying I’m fine to someone I don’t know doesn’t bother me at all, although if it’s someone I know better I would rather be honest with them.

I do. It’s a cultural façade for both sides, one to pretend it cares, the other to pretend it’s being honest.

You can say other things. Good. It’s been better. I’m alive. Just keep it short.

Have you considered ego death? Abandon concepts like being polite or not rocking the boat. Do something you think might be enjoyable because you can and laugh off others who don’t understand. Life is too short to be normal.

I just stopped saying I’m fine. It’s actually pretty fun to make things awkward. My best situations are usually “been better” and I’m usually more like “pretty shitty, my guy”. People who didn’t mean to ask will just wish me well but the best are when people agree with you and you go on a rant about shitty people for a half hour.

The people from northern Germany have very honest, but simple way to answer this question.

„Na? Wie is?“ (How is your life going right now?)

„Muss ja…“. (It is going on because it has to.)

“The horrors persist, but so do I.”

Your issue doesn’t seem to be the greeting itself. Please - talk with someone about your potential depression. Maybe someday you can say honestly “I’m OK.” and it’ll sit better.

Nope. I’m good 👍

I’ve mostly said “good” or “alright” or some of that cause if I tell people how I really feel, they suggest institutionalizing me

I’ve been going with “surviving” for the last year or so. It’s about as good as I can confess to myself most days. I agree with you in that “good thanks”, you? Feels you close to lying for my morals on my bad days.

Then stop lying about it :

“Hey, how you doin’?”

" Everything’s bad, as usual, thanks"

Or

“Just as bad as yesterday, thanks, what about you?”

Or

“… next question?”

If it’s a client and can’t afford to be awkward, just say say

“Just another day”

And if people ask for more details but you don’t want to talk about it, just say :

“Just having a bad day”

Or

“Nothing good happened yet”

Or

“Nothing out of the ordinary”

Or just make up your honest but polite answers

“It’s good to see you” is still positive and doesn’t get into detail, so I prefer that.