So I used to run a successful construction business but last year an accident happened during an assignment & not only did the business go bankrupt but also went into huge debt from all the legal stuff I had to pay off. Sold house, sold cars, sold everything valuable. Now I have a day job which doesn’t pay super well. I have a son and I feel like I’m letting him down, even though he’d never admit it; on the contrary, he always comforts me & tells me he’s happy with what we have. I basically cut off all of my personal expenses to spend the money on him. I feel so bad everyday.
Kid loves you because you’re still there for him, for better or worse. If he doesn’t feel abandoned or less important than material things, then he’ll keep on loving you just the same.
Still, long-term, you need to plan for building him an independent life while getting one for yourself. It’s a tough gig but you have experience. Your work ain’t done yet pops, so good luck!
You basically have to change how you calculate your worth.
You are the one who set the standards that you are failing to meet.
People with depression often fall into this trap. You set a standard you can’t possibly reach and then get upset you aren’t reaching said impossible standard.
When I get thoughts like this i try to look past my thoughts and feelings and look at the evidence.
Is your son happy? Have they done anything that leads you to believe they feel let down? Etc.
Because it sounds like the only thing making him unhappy is you being unhappy.
Kids generally just want attention and love more than anything. Things are nice but they are no substitute.
I may also suggest keeping a notebook and writing it down to remind yourself what your priorities are.
I forgot where I saw this, but making a daily/weekly list of every little thing you are grateful of can also help you get out of that loop of feeling bad.
This here is some sage advice.
People with depression often fall into this trap. You set a standard you can’t possibly reach and then get upset you aren’t reaching said impossible standard.
Nah, plenty of us set teeny, tiny, attainable goals and then still consistently fail to reach them for decades. It’s called being totally inept or an idiot. Unfortunately there’s no cure except switft application of lead suppositories.
You talking about shooting a gun up your own butt?
Then they clearly aren’t attainable are they? You feel they should be but the evidence says they aren’t.
Touché.
I meant clearly easily attainable by others. If I start comparing myself to them, well, it’s like comparing a '97 Pinto vs a 2022 EV.
Indeed. But everyone has different levels of ability. Again mental health can drastically increase this difference.
My advice for dealing with this is using yourself as the measuring stick. Are you better than you were a year ago? Etc.
Aim to beat your personal best and that’s still good progress.
The only thing that will ever matter is what kind of Human being you are. If you are a kind, compassionate, honest person who shows, love, respect and gratitude, that’s all that matters. Your behavior tells the rest of the world who you are. That’s how we actually judge people. Money is a terrible way to measure your “worth” in the world. There are billionaires who are utter trash. The only reason anyone wants anything to do with them is to get some of their money. Without that money, they are invisible.
My dad made a ton of money and barely spent a dime on me, so your son doesn’t care about your success, he cares that you care about him and his well-being.
When kids grow up they will be bitter about absent father, they are never when pops was around and taking care of them.
Money is secondary to this.
Being poor sucks, being unloved and uncared for results in mental issues.
THIS!
Damn dude if you owned a business and had a car or a house you’re way ahead of basically everyone I know. Most of us just struggling to pay rent.
Teach your kid how the world works so they’re prepared for it and don’t go through the same thing. Most of us didn’t have parents that cared enough to bother and it’s a huge advantage to know in advance that everything in this country is predatory and precarious.
As someone who’s had multiple failed companies you have to learn how the rich people do things and protect your personal assets from your business ones (& even your business from your business ones). Once you’ve got better advice from a lawyer then maybe try it again, especially construction, unless it’s now a wellness reason. Your business should be able to absorb a lawsuit and reform under a new s-corp with most of your assets intact. It’s super hard work pulling yourself out of the pit and starting over again but the extra income is worth it. You could try moonlighting for a while until your expenses get balanced.
Remember you are not a failure, you are still trying everyday, and you have seen the method to your success before. It takes a real motivated and hardworking person to make a business grow and you’ve proven you could do it once. Work towards that financial independence again, take it slow and keep yourself free of the liabilities this time.
I don’t believe I’m a failure. I believe civilization as a whole is.
Being poor isn’t a failure. You had bad luck and didn’t have things in place to protect yourself, which was a mistake. Learn from it. You’ve been up there before and know the path to it. Try and do better and you might make it again.
I bet your son will remember more about how you being there for him than the failure - regardless of whether you’re poor or not in the future.
Become a socialist and realize it’s not your fault, you are just trying to get through.
Yeah, go to work every morning while the world ends and everything looks like it will only get worse from here. It’s not easy, and knowing your kids will only get it worse doesn’t reassure anyone. Best you can do (all you can do?) is be there for them
I’ve been laid off 3 times since 2018. The first time was from my job of 6 years that I was pretty set in making my career. I was making money, I was getting promotions, it was looking like I’d have a nice long tenure there. Then came the corporate restructuring.
I got into a really weak job after a few months of unemployment cause the job market was rough. It gave me flexibility but the job itself was low pay and low responsibility.
Then Covid came and I got laid off again. Company stopped doing business in that field.
Found ANOTHER company that was similar but paid better and kept my flexibility. Was good for about 4 years then came corporate restructuring.
Now I’m back at the business from 2018 but under a new product lineup.
Point of all this is: I learned a valuable lesson in having less “successful” work. I learned how to actually value my time and the people who I provide for. At my career gig, I put in so many hours and really pushed myself, in the jobs after, I’ve been able to put my mental health first and take care of my family better. Sure it’s less money, but it’s more attention.
Money isn’t what kids need, they need you to be there for them first and foremost. Money just makes it easier to do things.
Good luck, and I hope your situation gets better.
Rich people go bankrupt all the time and it doesn’t make their quality of life any worse.
Trump has been bankrupt at least six times.
The problem isn’t that you went bankrupt, the problem is that you can only do it once before losing everything. The problem isn’t you, it’s the system that’s fucked up.
You are not a failure for being poor and you are definitely not a failure as a father. You have done the best you can do for your son, under the current circumstances.
Good opportunity to teach your kid about how life isn’t about defining yourself based on how much money or material wealth you have.
My father also had failed business business ventures and over the years we went from upper middle class and the finances just kept getting worse and worse. I appreciate him even more for all he’s done. He’s given us everything he could and then some, we know he’s sacrificed himself for us.
Don’t worry about your kids. Your children will undoubtedly appreciate all you do and love you more.
Secondly I just wanna say your finances do not define who you are. You are not a better person by being rich. You are a better person for all you’ve done for your kids and for your morality.
