On a serious note, having been that guy, this is the worst experience ever.
15 years of slowly being convinced being who I was, was wrong. 15 years of being told she was normal, what I wanted wasn’t. 15 years of isolation. 15 years brainwashing. 15 years of ever building self doubt.
Then she cheated on me.
Somehow I haven’t been in grippy socks yet. Pretty fucking close though with the outpatient stuff I do. Been on one date with someone else.
Edit: A greentext post of all places to get this wonderful support. 🥲
I was in it for 5 years. I wouldn’t have made it another decade. Glad you’re on the other side. I hope you can find your emotions, the ones that you have somewhere inside that really care for you in a way you haven’t felt all this time.
Also therapy if you can afford it and find one that clicks with you. It’s frustratingly helpful in that it doesn’t feel like you’re doing much but the reinforcement and structure is everything.
And definitely more dates!
I don’t get why relationships are such a hsrd requirement for people.
You can be blind to the problems you’re facing for a long time. For me it was a combination of her perpetuating abusive behaviors from her youth and me not understanding boundaries and my own avoidance. Outside of that it was right around 2020 so i had a lot of distractions and instability. It took me a long time to realize that the relationship had these problems.
My point is that taking so long to end it had to do with anything except a relationship being a requirement. I do want to be in a relationship but for intimacy, solidarity, vulnerability, company etc… The status doesn’t play into it at all.
If those don’t make sense to you then that’s just as normal. If you’re confused by them then look into aromanticism.
Nah, I have been AeroAce for a long time, I realized that I can’t really depend on other people, and that outside opinions don’t really matter.
I have notes specifically for what I think I did wrong, and will ask others as needed. Otherwise, time and energy are the only real limits.
EDIT: Specifically, I’m not AeroAce, I just see it as selfish desire that I’m not entitled to.
No one is entitled to another human being. Relationships are about mutual interest.
Exactly! And I see myself as especially unworthy of other people.
Fair. I just hope you find yourself worthy of your own self care, love, and respect.
I’m doing some particularly frequent therapy at the moment. Medication management, occupational stuff.
So far I’ve only met one person on the apps. So I’m working on finding stuff to go to to meet more people. It’s a small city, so kind of limited. Can’t move because of a kid. That makes it way harder to date too.
But one thing I’m trying to remind myself - I’ll be in my 40s when my son is 18. I figure I can probably really safely leave him at home way before that. So maybe in 5 years or so. I had a teacher in his 50’s marry another teacher in her late 20s (and they are still together 15 years later) so I’d say there’s still time.
Nice!
Yeah, and additionally, meeting other parents around school events can be good. There’s lots of time. Seems like you’re making the right moves. Best of luck!!!
Big hugs, friend. You’re not alone out here. It gets better. Take your time.
Thank you. Knowing that others have recovered gives me some hope.
Been on one date with someone else.
Congrats ! 🎉
Each step, however small it may seem, away from this abusive person is a great one
There is a name for it: Narcissistic Abuse. Keep going, you’ll make it through. It gets better.
Could literally be me but 10 years instead of 15. I hope you’re doing so much better now and that many positive things come your way.
Children need a parent, and some adults never pass that stage.
Fake: anon has girlfriend
Gay: motivated by sticks
op found a mom for himself.
It’s clearly a step-mom if anything.
(Tho op didn’t actually specify Jocastas family details.)
Not swearing is a big fuckin ask.
Yeah but the advertisers don’t want to be associated with that language so he’s gotta censor it.
Woof…
That’s rough
Puppy girl core
That’s not a girlfriend it’s a second mother.
Oof
Pretty common phenomenon. And it works for some people, there are men who need hand holding and women who want to nurture (or vice versa). I think it would be healthier for OOP to recognize it for what it is though, and also that it’s not a universal experience. For example I’d be miserable as either party in that relationship.
Odepus
Well there’s a fella who really loved his mother
He spent more time in her than dad did, before he even was born. Guess he got addicted.
Meanwhile, my wife enables my executive dysfunction, saying things like “oh, just do it tomorrow.” I have to explain to her, if I don’t do it now, it won’t get done for a month. Saying it out loud like that seems to give me the motivation to do it now.
Hope this works for you for a long time.
Tho it’s good that your wife understands the mechanics behind it.(Or maybe she already does and you maybe sometimes need the ‘tomorrow’ & she is looking out for you/managing your dysfunction better than you might think?)
Not wanting to be a lazy shit that lets her do all the housework is 99% of my motivation. But when I get the motivation to do the dishes it has to be now or it’ll be never.
Omg I get that so much.
Also it’s a motivation that doesn’t “get old” on it’s own (other circumstances would have to change).Nice!
There’s certain common patterns this dynamic seems to take:
- They end up in that type of traditional marriage for fifty years where the wife controls absolutely everything and the man throws around jokes about ball and chain. This ends when either one dies; if the man dies first, the wife will live happily for another ten years, but if the wife dies first, the man follows soon
- The man loses all sights of himself and becomes a passive and meek “yes, dear” -man, and then the girlfriend (or wife if they managed to get married) eventually gets bored since the project car isn’t fun anymore, and cheats or just straight up leaves him. This pattern might also involve straight up domestic violence where the man is too embarrassed and scared to seek help
- The girlfriend (or wife again) gets tired of taking care of a manchild instead of having an equal partner, and leaves. This happens especially if they have children and the wife realizes it’s actually easier to take care of the children alone. Often the man also ends up whining about how he doesn’t understand what he did wrong, and thought everything was going so well
That’s reading an awful lot into a post that’s both fake and gay
Anon likes to be dommed
Pre negotiated consensual power exchange? No thanks I want the unhealthy version please
Or even just needs to be to have some quality of life.
Not everyone can have personal assistants.
god yea i love manipulation and emotional abuse
My favorite kink
Having a partner in life makes a huge difference to motivation. I dont really agree with this idea of them leveraging things to force you to act that sounds like a living hell. These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner.
These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner
how i knew i could marry my wife, i wanted to do this.
Amen brother.
Don’t look for the easy way out of your own maturity. Nobody can tell you who you are better than you. Look for someone who wants to build you up, not control you.
Hell yeah. Make it mutual too.
That’s beautiful
As long as they’re consenting adults I guess
“I can fix him”
fixes him
There is no fixing here, this is an armed bomb
Then he leaves her for someone “who doesn’t nag” and is more exciting.
Joke on my ex fiance. Although it might be on me considering she cheated.
“She could fix others but not herself”
