Transcription:
How To Confound A Centaur
Centaur: Hold it right there, you can’t just ride through my fields uncontested! I’ll lose my credibility if we don’t battle or something.
Me: That’s fair. How about we–
Centaur: And it can’t be a pun battle, I heard what you did to the sphinx.
Me: Darn. Okay, what if I beat you in a horse race?
Centaur: Ha! Alright, your funeral. Where’s the finish line?
Me: That tree over there. Where’s your horse?
Centaur: (gestures at horsey backside) Um…?
Me: You’re not a horse, this is a HORSE race. You have to race with an actual horse.
Centaur: You want me… a centaur… to RIDE a regular horse.
Me: That is, linguistically-speaking, what you agreed to.
Centaur: …
Me: …
Centaur: I hate you.
Me: That’s fair.
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Sphinx: You there, knight. I am the guardian of this place and cannot allow you to pass without a battle.
Me: My name is Ender, Sir Ender to you. And I’m a bit weary from my long journey here, would you accept a pun battle?
Sphinx: Aye, Sir Ender.
Me: Thank you, please move aside
Is the Sphinx Scottish?
To make the setup work, aye
In case you’re serious with the sphinx question: in ancient Greek myth the entrance to the city of Thebes was guarded by a sphinx who would only let you through if you could solve a riddle, otherwise the sphinx would eat you. Which riddle that would be changes from story to story but the most famous one is along the lines of “What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two at noon and three in the evening?”. This was eventually solved by king Oedipus who realized it was a human who crawls as a baby, walks on two legs as an adult and needs a walking stick as a third leg when they’re old. Depending on which version you read, the sphinx was either so shocked by him solving the riddle that it threw itself from a cliff or was simply slain by him.
“What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two at noon and three in the evening?”
Traveler: Me, when I wake up with a hangover in the morning, sober up by noon, then get so much withdrawal that I need a walking cane on my way to the bar again in the evening.
Sphinx: You need help?
Depending on which version you read, the sphinx was either so shocked by him solving the riddle that it threw itself from a cliff or was simply slain by him
omg this part I did not know. I just thought it…let him pass.
But anyway, what does that have to do with the “pun battle” as posed in this story?
Well, you could consider the solution to the riddle a pun though that’s quite a stretch. Though there is at least one modern rendition (in German) that directly uses a more pun-ny solution. It does’t quite translate to English but I’ll try. Basically, Oedipus thinks and thinks until he starts to complain “Ach Mensch…” which is roughly equal to English “Oh boy…” but “Mensch” is literally the German for “human” so it’s the right solution and the sphinx has to accept it. If you understand German, I highly recommend checking out this version. It’s “König Ödipus” by Bodo Wartke. He plays all roles himself on a mostly empty stage with only a couple of props and it’s absolutely hilarious. The sphinx is a lion hand puppet.
Edit: for anyone interested, here’s a youtube clip of the scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DogC57ZJuY8 (German with German subtitles)
which is roughly equal to English “Oh boy…”
English also has the phrase “oh man” with pretty much the same meaning. Plus, though this is slightly archaic today (depending on context), “man” can be a gender-neutral word meaning “human”. So the same pun could work perfectly in English.
It’s very clever, thanks for sharing!
Yeah, as I said in response to exocrinous, that would work. No idea why it slipped my mind when I typed my comment. I think I even thought of something similar, it sounded wrong in some way and so I went a different route.
Oh man, that’s what I get for replying from my inbox and not checking the latest in the thread.
I see what you did there…
😜
The pun works equally well in English. “Aw, man!” has the same meaning as Ach mensch.
Oh right, that would work.
“What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two at noon and three in the evening?”
A kobold. In the morning it scurries around on all fours, trying to get everything in order before its master wakes up. At midday, it stands at attention before its master. By the evening, it gets tired and leans on its tail a bit.
I can confirm this to be correct.
When you least expect it, a horse-riding centaur…
salsa - https://www.deviantart.com/himerosy/art/DnD-Centaur-Mechanics-BaalBuddy-Colorized-911737977
This pedant is hated my every fantastical creature in the realm.
The Fey Hate This One Trick!
Is it gross if a centaur borks a regular horse?
And if the answer to that is yes…is it more or less gross than if the centaur borked a human?
Way less gross. Human and centaur are both intelligent, can communicate, and give consent, so it would be fine. With a horse (which has none of these things) the centaur would be committing bestiality.
Well, in many games there is a Speak With Animals spells or equivalent. They are capable of communication, we just usually can’t understand.
Apply the Harkness test (self aware intelligence, physical maturity, and ability to communicate consent). Both humans and centaurs pass assuming the individual is a willing adult, horses fail twice due to being nonsapient and uncommunicative.
From the human perpective, probably the horse is a little bit less gross. From the centaur perpective, probably the human is less gross, but I’m only half centaur, so can’t speak for all of them.
The hooves must make it difficult for you to type.
Neigh, it’s the other half.
I’m only half centaur
does that mean you are 3/4 human and 1/4 horse?
Or 1/4 human, 3/4 horse?
Or 1/4 human, 1/4 horse and 1/2 something else?
Only their upper half is centaur - the lower half is human.
It depends how it flops.
Does it flop at the first set of legs, or the second?
Human part tends to end around the navel so… Second.
I can’t type what I’m thinking
Would a centaur have two navels?
They definitely have two ribcages. That might imply two hearts and multiples of other organs.
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I’m afraid I don’t get it.
Try pronouncing the ‘a’ in pan like the ‘a’ in large, then you’ll end up with a rather well-done pun.
So if you grossly mispronounce the word, it becomes a pun? I don’t think that’s a very good pun, tbh…
To be honest, I don’t really like it either, which might surprise you considering my last sentence. I just couldn’t resist making a small pun myself.
A parn?
Got a laugh from me, but I did mean only the ‘a’, not the ‘ar’. I couldn’t think of any other English word with that sound unfortunately, do you have a better suggestion?
Unfortunately I can’t seem to get it to work for any sound with my hodgepodge of an English accent. Perhaps it could work with a very thick cockney accent, but the length of the vowel would be quite different between the two,
e.g. puhn and paahn
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RP might use a similar vowel, but even most modern British people don’t seem to pronounce these very similarly based on this pronouncing dictionary’s advice and sample clips. And I can confirm as an Australian that Australian English accents don’t pronounce them remotely similarly.
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Sphinx was probably riddled with puns in that exchange.
Dog racing is dogs running without a rider. I’m sure there have happened riderless horseracing before. I spot a fault in the logic!
Riderless horseracing maybe, but surely never horseless horseracing.
